a tad of my fears

The Thought of Dying (06-05-05 8:08PM)

A few days before I started working, my family, my boyfriend’s brothers and I had our last summer dip. We went to the clubhouse of my boyfriend’s place. We spent the whole afternoon swimming like there’s no tomorrow. My cousin and I really enjoyed that swim since we were frustrated from our family summer thing. I was really happy that day. It was the first time I made my mom agreed to go in an outing with my boyfriend. The experience was overwhelming that I didn’t mind getting exhausted. The thought of my boyfriend and my mom being in good terms with each other in a pleasant afternoon for a family thing like this one was a dream came true for me. It was that same night though when I felt like I was dying. I realized that I swam too much, forgetting the fact that I wasn’t that fit to exhaust myself that much. That was the first time when I got scared of the thought of dying. I came to the realization that I was not yet ready to die. I still wanted to do a lot of things. I still wanted to achieve a lot of my goals. I still wanted to experience a happy and contented career and family life. I also realized how hard it was to leave the world behind you when you haven’t settled everything for your loved ones. I felt sorry for myself. . .

I slept alone in my room that night, I felt my whole body ached so I went to my grandma’s room and asked her to massage my aching body. I went back to my room afterwards. I wasn’t able to sleep and around 4am I found it difficult to breathe. My body wouldn’t allow any kind of movement because a slight movement hurt like hell. At first, I tried to endure the pain for I didn’t want to bother my mom and my grandma from their sleep. When I felt really terrible, scared and all. I tried my best to go down again to my grandma’s room where my mom was also sleeping that night. I thought I would die that morning. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move and my body ached terribly. It seemed like I went down for a purpose. It came to me that if I was about to die that exact moment, I didn’t want to die alone. I wanted my mom and my grandma to be by my side even for the last time. I thought of calling my boyfriend but I hesitated since I can hardly breathe I would also find it difficult to talk besides I left my mobile phone upstairs. It was also too early I didn’t want to interrupt his sleep. I knew that he was as tired as I was and if I was really about to die then I didn’t want to leave him in sorrow and guilt. At least at that exact moment I knew I left him with happy thoughts. I was certain that he was very happy being with me and my family the whole afternoon. I didn’t want to spoil the feeling and to make him worry about my situation. Around 6am, I was able to sleep.

When I woke up, I called my boyfriend and told him what had happened. He got mad as I expected. He was the type of person who would want to be beside the person he loves no matter what. I explained my reasons but he still insisted his side. I found out that he was uneasy that night. May be in one way or another he felt that something wrong was happening to me. It was so ironic that it was also the same day at that exact moment when I couldn’t breathe that one of his friends died of a car accident. For some reasons I thought that may be that guy saved me from dying. I didn’t know why I actually thought of that. May be that was just how I felt. . .