a tad of what i miss. . .

Nostalgia (6/25/25 12:54PM)

The thought of longing for my U.P. life has never been a big deal for me until now. The four years that passed, the so-called survival period for every isko and iska, is worth reminiscing. From the moment I heard the news that I passed the UPCAT, the time when I received the official letter from the University, the first day of enrolment, the time I got my official U.P. I.D. and the first time that I got into the real world from my secluded life. Everything was worth it from all the hardships, heartaches, pressures and haggard days just to survive in the Diliman jungle. And how can I forget my apartment days, our girlish drinking bouts, our sleepless nights because one of us had her heart broken, our martyr attitudes, our shocking revelations, our kilig moments and our surprisingly funny drunk habits. I really miss these girls. This was the place where I realized that those that came from provinces were more sincere and more honest in the friendship that they get involved into than those from the metro. These were the people who supported and cried with me all through out, no questions asked, no doubts, no nothing.

The love I found in that jungle gave me one hell of a ride, from the toughest moment to the most romantic unexpected occasions. It all started with a group work. This was one of the situations where friends of friends get to know each other, never knowing that they would end up loving each other and making it last. It’s funny how I still recall and have a feel of it. This was also the phase of my life when I really got hurt by the person I love, had been silly with the actions I made after, had been denial and vengeful for some time and finally going back to that same person regardless of what had happened but regardful of the love I had for him and vice versa. From all the odds that we faced together, the love we have for each other and the help of God to strengthen our relationship, we are still together and hoping to make it last forever.

U.P. might be irritable for some people with all the stereotypes attached to it from the time it was founded but I could tell that it is a worthy place to get educated. It would practically teach you everything you have to know about life implicitly from the time you set your first footstep into it up to time that you set your last. Now that I already left, I am yearning to go back. I would definitely do everything to go back to that same old jungle and spend another phase of my intellectual nurturing with a more mature understanding of life and everything that goes with it.

a tad from my work

Waggish (6/25/05 12:15PM)

Simple things that make me smile at work:

Ichi – my boyfriend’s daily routine of messages before I go to work
Ni – my grandma’s scrumptious breakfast
San – my uncle’s emails when I’m about to cry for the piles of work to be done
Yon – the security guards at the academe that always think that I’m a student
even if they see me everyday with the badge for employees
Go – some incidents where instructors asked me if I was a freshman or a
high school student
Roku – some delicacies given by my boss after a favor asked, makes me feel
that my work is appreciated
Nana – my grandma’s indefatigable enthusiasm to cheer me up after a hard
day’s work
Hachi – Weekends, time to spend some quality time with my boyfriend

a tad of my soft side

Tay (06-11-05 11:55PM)

“Tay”, this is how I call my dad. The person where I got almost all the features and traits that I possess, from my physical appearance to some of my attitudes, my philosophy on life and even to the most simple habit of brushing my teeth. To cut it short, I am practically the female version of him. God knows how much I miss him. I’m just regretful that I wasn’t able to show him how much I love him. If I only knew that he would leave at a very young age. I know I shouldn’t have given in to my jealousy. I should have showed him my concern even if I felt a bit abandoned by him in some of the high points of my life. But it was too late for all these realizations, he already left. I feel guilty for all my shortcomings. If I could only turn back the hands of time, I will make my family as happy and contented as possible no matter how low profiled. But that’s not how it was since I grew up in a broken family. May be God has a plan for every single detail that happened in my life. I know that there is an important reason for everything. I might not be able to fulfill my obligations to him as his daughter when he was still here but I’m doing my best to please him in everything that I do to have the kind of life he used to plan for me. It is very hard for me to accept the fact that he is already gone but I have to. At least he is now at peace wherever he might be. He is no longer burdened by the worries of life. I know he is watching over me. I feel it. It’s just sad that he first have to leave before I was able to feel his great importance in my life. I’m still hurt by his sudden death. I still cry when I miss him. I still even wish for the times when he would not show up for years at least I know he is still alive unlike now that he would not show up anymore.

“Tay, I love you so much. I really miss you. I wish you’re still here. I would treat you for dinner with my first salary. Father’s day is near and I wasn’t able to buy you something for your office wardrobe or even just anything. I miss you a lot. I know Nanay still loves you. I felt it on the day of your burial. I just hope that you are happy wherever you are right now. I’m sorry for all my shortcomings. Please forgive me. Please don’t think that I do not love you. I might not be able to show you what I really feel because of certain reasons but I love you so much ‘tay. I really do. I hope you felt it when I hugged you just before they lay you down to your final rest. I miss you so much. I love you. Happy Father’s Day ‘Tay.”

a tad of my fears

The Thought of Dying (06-05-05 8:08PM)

A few days before I started working, my family, my boyfriend’s brothers and I had our last summer dip. We went to the clubhouse of my boyfriend’s place. We spent the whole afternoon swimming like there’s no tomorrow. My cousin and I really enjoyed that swim since we were frustrated from our family summer thing. I was really happy that day. It was the first time I made my mom agreed to go in an outing with my boyfriend. The experience was overwhelming that I didn’t mind getting exhausted. The thought of my boyfriend and my mom being in good terms with each other in a pleasant afternoon for a family thing like this one was a dream came true for me. It was that same night though when I felt like I was dying. I realized that I swam too much, forgetting the fact that I wasn’t that fit to exhaust myself that much. That was the first time when I got scared of the thought of dying. I came to the realization that I was not yet ready to die. I still wanted to do a lot of things. I still wanted to achieve a lot of my goals. I still wanted to experience a happy and contented career and family life. I also realized how hard it was to leave the world behind you when you haven’t settled everything for your loved ones. I felt sorry for myself. . .

I slept alone in my room that night, I felt my whole body ached so I went to my grandma’s room and asked her to massage my aching body. I went back to my room afterwards. I wasn’t able to sleep and around 4am I found it difficult to breathe. My body wouldn’t allow any kind of movement because a slight movement hurt like hell. At first, I tried to endure the pain for I didn’t want to bother my mom and my grandma from their sleep. When I felt really terrible, scared and all. I tried my best to go down again to my grandma’s room where my mom was also sleeping that night. I thought I would die that morning. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move and my body ached terribly. It seemed like I went down for a purpose. It came to me that if I was about to die that exact moment, I didn’t want to die alone. I wanted my mom and my grandma to be by my side even for the last time. I thought of calling my boyfriend but I hesitated since I can hardly breathe I would also find it difficult to talk besides I left my mobile phone upstairs. It was also too early I didn’t want to interrupt his sleep. I knew that he was as tired as I was and if I was really about to die then I didn’t want to leave him in sorrow and guilt. At least at that exact moment I knew I left him with happy thoughts. I was certain that he was very happy being with me and my family the whole afternoon. I didn’t want to spoil the feeling and to make him worry about my situation. Around 6am, I was able to sleep.

When I woke up, I called my boyfriend and told him what had happened. He got mad as I expected. He was the type of person who would want to be beside the person he loves no matter what. I explained my reasons but he still insisted his side. I found out that he was uneasy that night. May be in one way or another he felt that something wrong was happening to me. It was so ironic that it was also the same day at that exact moment when I couldn’t breathe that one of his friends died of a car accident. For some reasons I thought that may be that guy saved me from dying. I didn’t know why I actually thought of that. May be that was just how I felt. . .